


A Girls Blood Is Not Enough For Happiness

by Starry_Whiskey



Category: IT - Stephen King
Genre: Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Depression, Fluff and Angst, Gay, M/M, Self-Harm, Self-Hatred, Trans Character, Trans Male Character, Trans Male Richie Tozier, Trans Richie Tozier, hella angsty, like hella gay omg, like we need Jesus
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-02-03
Updated: 2020-11-02
Packaged: 2021-02-28 04:01:05
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 3
Words: 3,869
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22537435
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Starry_Whiskey/pseuds/Starry_Whiskey
Summary: Richie is trans, and tries to end it all, but Eddie helps because they are cuties. Also, Richie's mind refers to himself as a girl a lot because internalized transphobia even with transitioning. :p
Relationships: Eddie Kaspbrak & Richie Tozier, Eddie Kaspbrak/Richie Tozier
Comments: 9
Kudos: 82





	1. Rebecca, We Can Save You

Richie sat on his bed, knees tucked into his chest as he wiped away his tears under his glasses staining his cheeks. Glass circled his bed from the broken bottles thrown at him by his drunken mom. Some shards dug into his cheek, but he was used to it. It was nothing practically.He hated it here. Not just his house, his life. He hated it all, except one thing.

He felt a vibration beside him from his phone. He checked the alert. Speak of the devil.

It was a text from Eddie. He was just asking a simple question. _"How are you?"_ practically glared at him through his screen, because he couldn't be honest with him.

He sighed and typed out: _"pretty good eds, your mom treated me well tonight"_

_"God your such a dumbass"_

Richie smiled sadly. He can just hear him saying that. _"Yeah but I'm your dumbass, you asked for it the day you befriended me"_

_"Haha, trash mouth"_

_"Anyways, how are you spaghetti? You didn't yell at me for calling you Eds"_

_"Eh not really good"_

_"Whys that?"_ This caught Richie's attention. He had pain, sure, but Eddie didn't deserve anything that came his way.

_"Feelings ya know? There's this person who is always on my mind."_

_"Ooooh Edwardos got a cruuuuush"_

**"Play along Rebecca, can't have Eddies mood get even worse knowing a slob like you has feelings for him. He can't have a girl like you like him. A con. A faker. A broken person,"** a voice in his head creeped up.

_"Beep beep Richie."_

_"Wait why are you up so late? It's 2:30 am? Didn't your mom take away your phone at like 9?"_

_"First off, it's 2:27 dumbass, and second, I'm using my computer. I really needed to talk to you."_

_"Aww, little Eds wanted a big strong man to help?"_

_"Never mind, I'm going to sleep, good night."_

_"Haha, alright good night"_

Richie expected Eddie to respond but he didn't. He waited for 30 minutes and decided that Eds really left. He sighed and lied down, staring at his popcorn ceiling, making constellations in the dots until his eyes hurt.

He decided to focus on himself, though he does in every conversation he has practically, being the selfish little girl he is. His hands crawled up to his head and entangled them in his dark curls. They were decently long, the shortest his parents allowed him without beating him. They were long enough to show he was and always will be a girl. He couldn't escape that.

His pale hands trailed along his face, touching his freckled cheeks. They were large and even larger when he did his shit eating smile. His eyes were large with long feminine eyelashes, but luckily his bottle cap glasses shielded those from being very obvious. His hands went further and traced over his thin chapped lips, lonely for the longing taste of love from a certain boy- wait no. He can't feel that way. **It's terrible.**

His hands went further and felt his thin neck and prominent collarbone, things he usually hid with his oversized shirts and folded collar Eddie always fixed. And Richie would respond with calling him a grandma or a mom, Eddie getting angry at him with his adorable little face when he's mad.

It went further. To his chest. It was inevitable that he was going to touch it because he's so insecure about it. That's what he does. Examines the things he hates about himself, reminding himself it's there and he's disgusting because of it. His chest hurt, emotionally and physically. It felt like darkness, an emptiness growing from his heart and spreading. Physically because he hated his chest and has been binding it with bandages over the past 36 hours. No, not hated, he felt uncomfortable with those two hanging lumps on his skin, curving it out.

His arms slid down and hugged his waist, reminding him of his feminine features and how his hips will never go away, how his chest will always be there. That he was really just a girl playing dress up and tricking everyone.

His eyes pricked as he went to his arms. He wasn't very insecure about them, just everything has been building up and he needed to cry. He raised them up and looked at his pale skin. He could see blue veins lining his hands and wrists from the light on his ceiling.

**"Now you know where to hit"**

He shook that thought from his head. Or at least tried to  
But it kept coming back, not leaving. He needed it to leave. But it just kept feeding his urges to harm himself in some way.

The dam finally broke.

He cried, sobs wracking his body. He pulled his hands up to cover his mouth so his parents didn't hear, his fingers soon damp with tears. He couldn't take it anymore and stood up. He walked on toes to his bathroom and looked in the cabinets for the classic thing people in his situation used. He finally opened a drawer and grabbed an old razor of his dads. He layed it on the counter top and used all his body weight to crush it with his elbow. Be pushed through the plastic and picked up the head of the razor, letting the blades fall into his hand. They were thin, almost like paper, and it was like they were calling for him. **"Rebecca, we can save you! Just introduce us to your veins!"**

He smiled as he pulled down his shorts and held the blade to his skin. He was hesitant, just having the blade hovering over his tingling skin, craving feeling. He slowly pressed in and quickly tore his skin, blood peaking up from the thin and shallow cut. He hissed from the sharp sting it brought him. It sent pain through his system, but not enough. He wanted to see straight blood.

He swiped again, deeper and deeper as he cried more and more, a sick smile spreading across his face. Soon the pain finally kicked in and it burned, crimson blood pouring out of the incisions, the skin flaring up in white with the skin around it red like wine. He cried as he grabbed a towel and dampened it, cleaning the 17 cuts lining his thighs. It wasn't stopping and he cried harder and harder.

He shakily got his phone and spammed Eddie.

_"Hey Eddie"_

_"Eddie"_

_"This is serious"_

_"I need help."_

Eddie usually responded quickly, so Rich knew he was asleep. He spotted the call button and was about to click it when his finger stopped, hovering over the small icon of a phone.

A voice in his head said **"God your so selfish, he doesn't want you, he's going to leave you once he finds out how weak you really are"**

But another small voice, sounding a bit like Eddie's, said,"I'll always help you, Trash mouth."

That one took over him. He put pressure on the wound and clicked the button, having the phone ring a few times before remembering his mom had his phone. He quickly hang up and texted him, knowing his mom wouldn't hear that because Eddie's texts were to his computer and his phone through Discord. Also, his phone was most likely on vibrations and on the carpet so it wouldn't be heard by Ed's mom.

He knew the system with Eddie's phone. His mom allowed text to be on vibrations, but everything else was an audible ringer.

He texted him again and again, trying to get his computer to alert Eddie somehow. Finally, three small dots appeared.

_"What do you want trash mouth"_

He sighed with relief. Eddie was here. He was going to be okay.

_"I made a mistake and I need to talk. Can you maybe sneak in your moms room and get your phone, I need to call, Eddie."_

Eddie replied quickly. _"No"_

Richie sighed. Bad thoughts started filling his head again. **He hates you and thinks you're annoying, everyone knee it, but you're so lovesick with a boy, your disgusting homosexual lust blocked your reality"**

His phone vibrating, barely noticeable besides him from how much his body was shaking.

_"I'm coming over instead"_


	2. Large Puppy Eyes

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This is a note- if I get anything wrong please tell me, I don't want to offend anyone at all. Some of these are also from personal experiences.

Eddie was sleeping. His head was in dream land. Everything was fine. He didn't feel bad about his feelings for Richie and he didn't have a mom that gave him gazebos. It was just him and Richie, under the stars in a field late at night. Richie pointed up at the constellations above and spewed astrology facts out of that adorable dumb mouth of his. Only them two, cuddled up together. Hands entwined. Until Eddie heard an alert from somewhere. He say up and looked around, but it went away. He went back to cuddling with Richie, until the noise became more frequent and became louder than Richie's words. He recognized the noise as his computer's alerting noise. He remembered he was asleep and soon woke up. He looked at his alarm clock and saw it was 4:42. About 2 hours after Richie last texted him. He rolled his eyes and shot a snarky text towards his crush.

"What do you want trash mouth" 

_"I made a mistake and I need to talk. Can you maybe sneak in your moms room and get your phone, I need to call, Eddie."_

Richie called him Eddie. With proper punctuation and no jokes. That's when Eddie read the rest of the texts. He seemed in danger. He quickly typed out a simple, _"No"_ on his computer before getting up and walking to his closet and changing into a powder blue button up with a maroon zip up hoodie over top. He slid on a pair of jeans, then grabbed another set of clothes and placed them in his bag. He shoved in a med kit, a flashlight, and pepper spray in case someone wanted to sneak up on him. He also packed a computer charger because he knew he was going to stay over, along with his computer. He then snuck downstairs, sliding in his socks to avoid creaking the floorboards and waking up his mother. He grabbed some black tennis shoes and snick back upstairs to his room, peaking his head into his mom's room to make sure she was asleep still. She stirred a bit, but still was passed out. He set the shoes in the hallway and crept into his mom's room on his toes, grabbing his phone and sneaking back to his room, grabbing his shoes on the way. He put on his shoes and zipped up his backpack and texted Richie, " _I'm coming over instead"_

He crawled over his bed and slid open his window and crawled down his pergola arch with his backpack on and dug his bicycle out of the bushes and started riding. He felt vibrations in his pocket, but he was busy riding. All that mattered was Richie's "emergency". His thoughts were getting wild. 

What if he is faking this and just doing this for a joke. Richie wouldn't do that,,, but there was that time he faked cardiac arrest in the CRP unit in gym. Eddie almost gave him CPR but he seemed to give up the act them Eddie tried to do the fifth step- after asking if he was okay, checking if the area was safe, checking his breath, and calling for help- taking off his shirt. Richie could also be dying right now or might be bleeding out from beatings from his parents. Eddie had come over plenty of times because of his parents, but Richie had never seemed this desperate before. 

While lost in thought, Eddie got distracted and looked up to see a dear in the street where he was riding, about to be bit by his bike. He quickly swerved out of the way and crashed on the curb, scrapping his knees and landing on his arm, his bike crashing into him. 

He sat up and rubbed his arm, pushing his bike off of him. He wasn't bleeding and stood up once more after brushing off some sand and pebbles on the side of the street that dug into his skin lightly. He pulled out his phone to see if it was cracked- which it wasn't- but saw 8 messages from Richie, and more coming, begging for him to not waste his time and to just stay home and that they'll talk once they get to school again after the weekend, since it was Friday. Well, 5:02 in the morning on a Saturday. 

_"Richie, I'm coming over, you can't change my mind. I'll see you in 3 minutes, I'm almost there."_

He mounted his bike again and sped over to Richie's house, getting there quickly and out of breath. He threw his bike in the bushes and pulled out a small wooden ladder they found in the woods from a broken tree house that was abandoned. He propped it up against the wall and shook it to make sure it was stable before climbing onto roof. He crawled over to Richie's window and slid it open, glad it was unlocked, and slipped in. He closed the window once in and took of his shoes, for common courtesy. He looked around the room and say piles of dirty clothes and messy bed sheets, along with shards if glass from bottles, some traced with blood. "Jesus- shit, Richie, what happened," he muttered under his breath. He walked around his room and saw Richie not in there. He then saw a light from the crack under the bathroom door. Making sure it wasn't Wentworth taking a 5 am dump. He leaned up against the door and heard sniffling and hisses from behind it, possibly Richie treating some sort of injury. 

He turned the doorknob and was shocked at the sight in front of him. On the floor in front of him was Richie- scared and alone, eyes red and puffy from crying. He was surrounded in toilet paper stained with blood with more pressed on his thigh and razor blades next to him. His shorts were by his ankles leaving him in just boxers. He was swallowed in a black hoodie with snot and tears smeared on the sleeves. Richie seemed frozen, staring up at him with large, puppy eyes. 

Eddie closed the door and quickly dropped to his knees and started pushing the toilet paper into a pile away from them, and threw away the razors of into the corner so Richie can't reach them. Eddie fumbled with his back pack and giving his fanny pack to Richie to take out some bandages and tissues to clean up his face and the cuts from the glass his mom threw at him. 

"Jesus Christ Richie, why, this could cause serious damage, you should of texted me, why would you do this? God, this could of gotten an infection and became worse, you're lucky I can over, this could of killed you-"

Eddie saw his fanny pack fall in Richie's lap. Richie started to cry, his body shaking. He curled his legs up before Eddie could treat them and sobbed out, "I'm sorry Eddie, really, really sorry, this was selfish of me, I'm sorry, I wasn't thinking straight, please don't hurt me, I'm sorry, I swear-"

Eddie cut him off by grabbing his cheeks and lifting them up. His lips were on Richie's, kissing him passionately. Eddie was actually doing it. 

He was kissing Richie Trashmouth Tozier. 


	3. Right Now Is All That Matters

Richie rubbed his hands up Eddie's chest and up to his shoulders. Eddie's hands went in his hair, entangling his fingers in Richie's dark locks, deepening the kiss. Richie let his body unravel from his tight position, his legs going on either side of Eddie. **Wow, lying to Eddie, tricking him into thinking you're a boy and letting him fall for you, let alone kiss you, it's disgusting. He's going to hate you when he finds out how disgusting you are. You should just off yourself right here and now. He would probably laugh in your face.**

Richie pushed Eddie off. "What the hell?" he yelled in the smaller boy's face. "What?" Eddie asked, standing up. "You can't just fucking kiss someone without consent!" Richie yelled, standing up, but limping slightly at the pain in his legs. "I thought you wanted it!" Eddie yelled back, stepping forward. Rich's eyes widened a bit with fear as Eddue yelled. 

"Why did you think I would kiss you?!" Rich yelled back, trying not to break down again. "Because I needed to shut _you_ up!" Eddie yelled, getting close to Rich. Richie's arms flew in front of his face, taking a step backwards. He tripped into the bathtub behind him, banging his elbow and forehead on the plastic from trying to catch himself. 

It was silent until Richie started silently sobbing, his body shaking slightly. Eddie didn't know what to do other than climb into the bathtub with the boy, sitting criss cross and pulling Rich into a hug. Rich layed limp in his arms as Eddie rubbed his back. Rich slowly raised his arms and hugged him back, gripping his shirt. 

They sat together in silence for a few minutes before Eddie whispered, "Are your parents home?" Rich nodded into his shoulder. Eddie hummed a little. Did his parents hear them yelling? Are they angry? Will they hurt Richie? Will they tell his mom? No. Not now, Eddie has to focus on Richie, which he just remembered again was bleeding. 

Eddie pulled away from the hug, seeing a defeated and empty looking Richie. He's seen Richie feeling dark before, but never this far. "I promise we can hug again, but I have to clean your leg, okay?"

Richie nodded, seeming not wanting to talk. Eddie sighed. "Look man, I'm sorry for yelling at you. I- I dont know why I kissed you, I just did. But I never want you to shut up. You're voice is nice. Well, sometimes. Other times it sounds like a constipated goose fucking Yoda and had you as a baby," Eddie joked. 

He heard a snort of laughter come from the black haired boy, a smile spreading across both their faces. "Well at least I don't sound like a librarian having an asthma attack," Richie shot back, laughing. Eddie punched him playfully in the shoulder, seeing Rich flinch a bit. He mumbled out a quick apology and went back to cleaning his thigh. 

Richie talked more, joking about fucking his mom and doing drugs as Eddie gently wiped the blood off with a cloth and stopped the bleeding, soon bandaging it. Eddie moved next to Richie, their legs going over the edge of the tub. Eddie took off his hoodie after a few minutes from getting too hot, then noticed Richie still in his hoodie. 

"You ever gonna take that off, Trashmouth?" Eds asked, sitting back down next to him. "Naw, I'm good, still a bit chilly," Richie excused. 

"Hey Rich?" 

"Yeah Edwardo?" 

"Can I check your arm?" 

Rich was silent then said yeah, sticking his arm to the side in front of Eddie. Eddie rolled up the black sleeve, noticing nothing odd other than some bruises for Bowers and a few doodles. He also was quite skinny. 

"Have you been eating enough?" 

Rich was silent again, pulling his arm back slowly. "How much have you been eating?" Eddie asked after a few seconds of silence. "I promise I won't be mad."

"Two."

"What the fuck kind of answer is that, two what?" Eddie asked, trying to stay kind. 

"Two meals. If lucky. I eat lunch at school if I have enough money and eat dinner if I can sneak it. And if I can stomach it."

Eddie realized not only was Rich using his own money for lunch, he was also throwing it up. "Richard-"

"Ew that sound like an old man." 

"-You need to eat! This is bad for you! You wont grow, your organs will shut off, puberty will stop, you may di-"

"What if I want it that way," Richie said snarkily to himself, but because it was 5 am and they were alone, of course Eddie heard it. "What?" he asked softly. 

"What, I didn't say shit," Richie said, giving him a shit eating grin. "Don't do that shit man, I heard you fucking say you wanted it that way."

Rich looked away, smile quickly fading. "I don't wanna talk about this now."

"Rich-"

"Eddie. I don't want to talk about this now." Eddie sighed. He pulled out his computer and clicked on YouTube, pulling up a video from a YouTuber they like. He plugged in his earbuds and handed one to Richie, resting his head on Richies shoulder. 

They watched and laughed, Richie talking through most of it, until Eddie fell asleep in the bathtub with his head on Richie's shoulder. 

"Well that character is short and has a hot ass mom with huge tits, so obviously it you, and Bev is the- Eds?" Richie rambled on, stopping when he heard soft breathing from the boy next to him. He smiled and kissed his hair, before putting his head on the brunettes. 

**Ew, hes cuddling with an _imposter._ You fake, your tricking him into sinning, your spoiling his mind, lying to him. You're making his pure mind be tainted into thinking you're a boy. You should just leave. Run away. Jump off a bri-**

Oh shut up, Rich though. He couldnt deal with this right now. Eddie was here and they both were okay. Maybe they won't be in two hours, maybe they won't be in the long run, but right now is all that matters and right now they're okay. 

He smiled, thinking back to the kiss. Did Eddie actually like a **girl-** boy like him? Did Ed's even like boys? He hopes he does, the kiss was so nice. He wants to feel it again. His lips were dry and their noses hit each others and their teeth bumped into each others sometimes, but it was perfect because it was Eddie. 

He knows he should tell him why he wears the hoodie. Why he starves. Why he doesn't change with the other boys and why he doesnt take off his shirt to swim. Why he hunches over so much, and why he tugs at his shirt even when its pretty much impossibly baggy. And why he doesn't let him over when his parents are up. 

He knows he should tell the boy next to him that he's **a freak-** trans, but he doesn't know what to say. They've known each other for years, Eds finding out hes **unlovable-** trans might **ruin things.**

Richie couldn't replace that thought. It might actually ruin things. He hopes it doesn't. But never mind that. Right now, he's watching YouTube with his best friend in a bathtub at 6 am and he couldnt be happier. 

He wraps his pinky finger around Eddies and sighed. 

"Goodnights Eds. I lov-"

,,, 

"Eds, good night." 

Rich closed his eyes and went to sleep, setting an alarm for an hour. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey!! Sorry its been like a year, I forgot this existed tbh. Im getting a lot of good feedback, so im glad you're enjoying it so far. I apologize for the short chapter, I just wanted to let you guys know I'm still here and writing!  
> Love ya!


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